Credit: Howard Wise/JPI (5)

Here’s hoping you had your water wings on while watching this week’s Bold & Beautiful, because we spent a whole lot of time treading water. This was especially annoying given that there are at least three stories unfolding, a rarity on this show. Let’s take a closer look at what did — and didn’t — happen, shall we? 

Fact-Checking Luna

Can anyone explain to me why we’re bending over backwards to keep Luna on the canvas? I love her portrayer, Lisa Yamada, and have since the moment we first met the bright-eyed Forrester intern. But at some point, the show opted to make her a serial killer. So now we have a very bizarre story unfolding in which Bill bonds with Luna because of her supposedly traumatic past. The big problem with that: It’s a bunch of BS.

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The way they’re currently writing Luna, a new viewer might think that she was the victim of childhood sexual abuse or that mom Poppy kept her locked in a closet 12 hours a day. But we spent months hearing that despite their rather unconventional lifestyle, Poppy was a pretty great mom. Sure, she’d occasionally pop her “special pills,” but who doesn’t want their mom to be mellow?

And are we really supposed to feel sorry for Luna when, in talking about one of the people she murdered, she refers to him as a “washed-up, one-hit wonder?”

Beyond the Gates

Then again, nothing about the Bill/Luna story makes sense at this point. Is Bill going to simply stay cooped up in his house for the next 20 years? Is no one ever going to swing by the jail and notice that Luna’s not there?

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If Liam is really so worried about his dad, why hasn’t he reached out to Wyatt — even via a one-way call — to discuss the situation? Why hasn’t Katie swung by to do a wellness check on her ex? Perhaps the worst problem with this story is that it has turned Bill — previously one of daytime’s strongest, most outspoken characters — into… well, a wuss who spends all day being empathetic with a woman who not only killed two people but held Steffy hostage.

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The writers may have forgotten that Bill and Steffy were once a mega-hot pairing, but we haven’t. So having Bill become the protector of the woman who tried to kill her is unforgivable.

The Waiting Game

Riddle me this: If Li has suspected for years that Jack was Luna’s dad, why is she only just now getting around to doing a paternity test? To hear her talk now, she’s pretty much believed in her heart since the moment Poppy got pregnant that Jack was the dad.

I get that Li stabbing Jack with a needle was good drama, but surely there were more discreet ways to get genetic material from the guy. Given that the scenes for next week all but said “Finn is the father,” I’m surprised they didn’t go a slightly different route. Wouldn’t it have been more interesting for the test to indicate that Jack was the father, only for him and Poppy to continue denying they were involved… leading to her eventually saying, “It wasn’t Jack, it was his son!” in order to explain the similar genetic markers?

Family Matters

Of course, it makes absolutely zero sense that the hunky doc never thought to ask his aunt if this was a possibility. And he certainly could have run a paternity test on himself and Luna as easily as Li did on Jack… without the violent needle-stabbing, even.

Nonsensical as this reveal promises to be, it does open up several interesting avenues. How will Steffy react to her hubby being the father of the woman who tried to kill her? Will finding out that Luna is his daughter send Finn scurrying to the jail, which would obviously reveal Bill’s big secret? And how will Li react to the good news (Jack’s not the dad!)/bad news (Finn is!) scenario, especially now that she’s decided to be the bestest sister in the whole wide world to Poppy?

Also, it’s worth noting that while the preview indicated that Steffy and Finn’s anniversary is rapidly approaching, it’s actually not until August. Details, details!

The Sniff Test

I still don’t really get how throwing Daphne into the mix will help Steffy reclaim Forrester, but I’m so in love with the nose’s portrayer, Murielle Hilaire, that I don’t actually care. Talk about presence! And the show seems to recognize that it has something special, as evidenced by the ridiculously huge deal they make of Daphne’s ever entrance. (That said, if people can smell her coming a mile away, she might be wearing a tad too much perfume. I can just see Forrester employees with chemical sensitivity issues rushing to file complaints with HR… well, if Forrester had an HR department, which it clearly doesn’t!)

I get that Steffy wants Daphne to come between Hope and Carter, but why? They’re putting a whole lotta eggs into the “Carter is being influenced by Hope” basket, assuming that without the blonde by his side, he’ll simply rip up that pesky LLC.

Random Thoughts

• Another week that RJ hasn’t even been mentioned, despite two major storylines in which he should be a factor unfolding.

• I wish someone would mention that Young & Restless‘ Ashley once developed a fragrance for Forrester during her brief romance with Ridge (then Ronn Moss).  Much like that relationship, the perfume never actually made it past the development stage, but it’s certainly worth a shout-out!

• Steffy said that Hope and Carter had essentially commandeered the main office… but what about Brooke, who is the company’s official CEO? Wouldn’t that be her office now?